I'm not entirely sure when it began, but I think it was when we met. He was totally different... Beautiful, a little crazy, a little hyper... make that very hyper... funny... like no-one else I knew. He came along at a time where I needed more help and attention then usual. I sucked it up. Barrelled ahead. A few long-distance months, turned into a few engaged long-distance months, turned into him coming to live with me, marrying me, and finally leaving me with a greater gap to fill.
How does a person become violent? How do they ignore the damage and the hurt? He seemed to think that it began for him as a child. Neglect and drug abuse, turned into his own neglect and drug abuse. Arrests, hated and violence against his loved ones. Me.
He always said that he was battling the devil inside him. That there was always an inner conflict and that he was getting pulled into the 'dark-side'. Don't we all have that? Perhaps not to the degree that he does, but we all have things to contend with. What makes him different? What gives him the right?
The funny thing is that, since the last time, he seems to blame me for the relationship disintegrating. Me, for not supporting him enough, me for not wearing the right type of clothing... To him, it wasn't down to his persistent drug abuse, violence and drunken rages. Even when he broke the windows to the property and my car he denied any real wrong doing. Now he says I should take him back.
Not a chance. Just a shame divorce is expensive.
I'm interested to know if anyone else has had this... of course they have. If anyone reads this, have you?
But what about not feeling when it was happening? What about still not feeling about it now? What about feeling about everything else.
It's like everything else is on overdrive. Like it's this frantic search for things, people, social interactions that make me feel good. Always on adrenaline - never standing still. Quick fixes. But quick fixes in the long-term. And quick fixes that always end up with me feeling empty and alone. I don't know what I'm looking for in many ways. Other ways I'm so sure.
Is it a result of what went before? Or was it always there and just something that I chanelled into reactions to him?
Whatever...
Maybe this is therapy... what I need now, is to make up for lost time.
And I will. Just need some help along the way.
ScarRiter
xxx
